Welcome to Heaven
by Salientsoul
Summary: This story was written for a contest. I didn't win but I thought I put it on here to see if anyone likes it.


Walter didn't know what hit him. For the briefest fraction of an instant before his physical mind and body was crushed by an unknown vehicle of immense size, he thought it might have been a freight train.

But that would be absurd on the highway. He thought as he found himself sitting on a wooden bench surrounded by different shades of wispy grey. He had been driving along one moment and the next he found himself sitting in this place which was arguably more comfortable and didn't smell like old cheese.

 _What happened? Am I dead?_

He looked around, confused.

 _I must be dead. It's the only thing that makes sense._

Walt had always figured that his death would be much more jarring and there would probably be some panic involved but he found himself remarkably at peace. The memories of his life were fading. His body seemed to work like it had when he was a young man. The pain in his lower back that had been persistently bugging him for years was completely gone. He stood up and his knees didn't crunch or pop.

 _I knew it! This is great!_ He thought as he stretched his limbs.

The area he was in was hazy and he couldn't see far. He took a deep breath.

 _That's wonderful, the afterlife smelling like breakfast._ As faint traces of bacon wafted across his nostrils.

He figured he should walk towards the smell of tasty bacon but was interrupted by the sound of an engine behind him. He turned to look and whistled softly as a cherry red Pontiac Bonneville slowly crept to a halt.

"Hey! Did you just get here?" called a gravelly voice that triggered Walter's memories. The haze was too thick for Walter to see into the car but he could tell a bald person was opening the door.

Through the haze, Walter blinked and waved his hands to clear the fog. He couldn't believe it as Kojak stepped out from the Bonneville. He could barely remember it now but Kojak had been one of his favorite shows of all time.

"K…K…M…Mr. Kojak!" Walter managed through his surprise.

"Hey baby you made it this far. You can call me Kojak." He pulled out a tiny square device and tapped it into his hand.

"I could find out from my whiz-bang thingy here but I'd rather just ask, what's your name?"

"I'm…was Walter Cambridge."

"Well Walter, welcome to the afterlife. I'll be your guide to wherever it is that you're going. By the way, nice pick on the Bonneville, you wouldn't believe some o' the crap I gotta drive."

"Thank you. I always thought she was a beaut." Walter said as he admired the car.

Kojak looked around, "There's not much in the way of scenery here, Walt. Why don't you tell me what religion you are and we'll get going."

Walt stopped. That was a difficult question for him. He tried to put his beliefs into words, "I guess I…well I've always thought that it would be unfair for just one religion to be the 'correct' one. I mean, how fair would it be if 'Camazotz the Bat God' turned out to be the one we should have all been sacrificing to?" He started to continue but Kojak put his hands up to stop Walter's summation.

"Look Walt. Time has a different meaning here and all but I've got stuff I gotta do. If you can't sum it in a few words, you know like 'Catholic' or 'Jewish', just let me use my little whiz-bang and it'll fix us right up."

"Uh, sure. Ok."

Kojak held up the device to Walter's face and it hummed for a second until it made a few beeping noises. A red flashing light pulsed and illuminated Kojak's face as a computerized feminine voice began saying "Curator detected." Over and over again.

"Walter! Wow baby, you're a special case! This'll be a real treat for both of us." Kojak said as he pulled a lollipop out from his pocket and put it in his mouth. He looked back at the droning device and tried pushing a few buttons to make it stop. His frustration quickly took hold and he began to slap the device until the voice warbled into nonsense and died.

"I hate those things. Get in, Walter. I have so much to show you." As he walked to the driver's side and climbed in.

"Am I in trouble?" Walt asked as he clambered into the Pontiac.

"Not at all my friend! In fact, you are going to be what I am. You see most souls just go to wherever their strongest belief system takes them. There they are judged accordingly. However you are special Walter. That means you get to see some things that most don't. You get to be the one that takes others on their final journey."

Kojak fired up the Bonneville and got her going. He drove like he was responding to a police call for backup, just like Walt remembered.

The wispy grey fog quickly evaporated and Walter found himself whizzing along on what looked to be freshly paved blacktop winding through a forested highway on a fine spring day. The transition startled Walt but the crispness of his surroundings soon washed his surprise away.

"I love this area. One of my favorite places."

"Where are we?"

"Look out on my side. Beyond the trees."

Walter could see large tracks of lightly forested fields filled with running, playing dogs as far as he could see. He could see lakes and streams covering the hilly backdrop. There was a field where he saw strange, furry, elephant type creatures lumbering slowly after a number of pups who looked to be loving being chased but not caught by the huge beast. The creatures had multitudes of arms snaking around each ending in soft hand that seemed perfect for belly rubs.

Another field had muddy dogs and holes and dogs busy digging more holes. The pungent odor of wet dog washed over Walt and he smiled.

The next area was filled with rabbits being chased by happy dogs. A sudden thought came to Walt.

"What if they catch one? Is that 'rabbit hell'?" Walt asked.

Kojak gave Walt a long look and his voice grew hard as he said, "No Walt. 'Rabbit hell' is much worse. Trust me on that one." Kojak continued after shaking his head, "Those aren't rabbit souls. Those are…well like figments, Walt. They're a manifestation of a dog's desires for happiness. Dogs love to chase rabbits, so they get to do that in 'heaven'. These 'rabbits' are formed from that desire. The dogs don't know that what they're chasing isn't 'real' but it doesn't matter because it makes them happy and that's the point."

Walt thought about that for a moment.

"What's 'dog hell' like?" He asked.

Kojak glanced at Walt incredulously from the corner of his eye.

"Are you kidding? There is no 'dog hell' Walt. They all come here."

"But there is a rabbit hell, that doesn't seem fair."

"That's because rabbits do some evil things Walt! Don't sit here and act like you don't know that!" Kojak yelled suddenly, his face an angry red.

Walter blinked at him.

"Maybe you don't know that." Kojak's voice softened. "Once you been around up here you'll see some things Walt. Some things that maybe you'd like to forget but can't. Never trust a rabbit, no matter how cute they look, no matter how fluffy their little tails are, no matter how much you just want to cuddle them."

They drove on in silence as Walter didn't know what to make of that tirade and his bald, lollipop sucking driver didn't seem to want to elaborate. The lush countryside soon began to thin out and as they came around a bend in the road Walter could see a dark tunnel breaching the mountainside ahead of them.

"We came this way because I want to show you something. I want to show you what is possible. This new state of being will blow your mind baby." Kojak said as he flipped on the headlights.

Walter's stomach lurched when they entered the tunnel. The looming blackness of the tunnel gave way and suddenly they were surrounded by the vastness of space. Millions of stars and far away galaxies twinkled and blazed around them. Walter couldn't see any road but the Bonneville seemed to have no problem maneuvering through the vacuum.

"Why aren't we exploding or suffocating?" Walt asked.

"I'm trying to tell you that everything we see and experience up here is because of the believers, Walt. This 'reality' we're in now was formed because of the group of people I'm about to show you. Also, we're dead Walt. We can't suffocate."

Walter was dazzled by the vista around him. He had always heard the scientists say that space was very empty but the area they were in had lots going on. There was a purple gaseous nebula floating 'above' them and planets and moons slowly rotating around each other all around. Every now and then an asteroid would drift past them gleaming with crystals and metals.

"Isn't it amazing Walt? It may not be couth of me to say but I love the space cults. They've really got a special 'something,' you know?"

Kojak banked the car and the blazing tail of a comet came into view ahead of them. Kojak pulled parallel to the tail and floored it. The Bonneville gave her all and soon began passing up the comet. As they came to the head of the comet Walter felt a strange shift of time and distance. The comet seemed to come to a stop. A platform with several people standing on it was up ahead. Kojak slowed down the car so they could get a look.

There was a wild-eyed older man holding a sign which read "Heaven's Gate Away Team" and a group of extremely excited people who had apparently just arrived. They were wearing identical black shirts, pants and brand new Nikes. Each one happily greeted the older man as they passed and he gave them each a hug while pointing them to the other side of the comet.

The last one walked up and the old man put his hand out stopping him. He pointed down at the arrival's shoes and the look of joy fell from his face as the old man gazed at him sadly and shook his head. Walter could clearly see the star design of the Converse shoe company. Horror washed over the arrival's face as the old man shook his head then turned around and walked away.

"Ah poor schlub. He's got his armbands and everything. Just forgot about the shoes. I guess the joke's on him."

"Where are those others going?"

"They've got a spaceship behind that comet waiting for them. It's some real Next Level stuff."

"Where is that guy going?"

"Well, I'm not really up to speed on the 'Hale-Bopp's' but I imagine he has to go back and wait a couple thousand years until this comet comes back and let me tell you Walt, he better be wearing some damn Nikes."

Kojak floored it and the pair sped away.

"I've got a couple more things to show you and then we'll be at the main shindig."

Walter and Kojak drove the Bonneville through the wilds of space for a time before Walter saw a pinprick of dazzling white light in the distance. It grew larger as they headed straight for it.

"Walt, this next place is amazing and frankly we're going this way because I want to see the look on your face."

The light had grown to an immense size and seemed to be a portal of some kind. Walter could see a tall mountain through a shimmering haze beyond it. His stomach lurched again as they burst through the portal and were no longer in space. They were driving along a marble paved road and Walter's mind could barely comprehend the wonders around him.

"Welcome to the Avenue of the Ancients. Even these days you'll get a bit of traffic around here and it's always worth it to take a look. Remember that the souls you help transfer don't have your special perspective so they won't see all these other places."

The mountain rose impossibly tall and burst through the clouds. It was topped with a majestic Grecian palace. Lightning forked and flashed along the base. Below the mountain Walter could a see a dark river with a gigantic three-headed dog with a mane of hissing snakes guarding the bank.

On Walter's right there was a bleak underground cavern wreathed in shadow. Spectral people toiled in dusty fields where there was no sky.

On the left a humongous ebony skinned woman sat bare-chested and cross-legged as a line of souls waited for her to receive them back into her womb.

As they drove on the landscape changed rapidly. Hills with lavish gardens filled with fighting and feasting celtic warriors turned to magnificent Aztec pyramids where thousands of people waited to climb to reach their sun gods.

Kojak slowed down as they entered a desert. Walter could see a beautiful young woman standing next to a well-muscled jackal-headed warrior, behind them was the monstrous figure of a scaly lion with the head of a crocodile.

"I don't understand kids these days." Kojak said as a new arrival attired in black clothing and caked with black mascara, stood waiting for judgement.

The young woman stretched her arm out to reveal a wing of vivid plumage. She plucked a single feather and carefully gave it to the jackal headed giant. The giant carried the feather to an ornate scale and placed it standing on its tip. He then walked over to the soul and reached into its chest and pulled out a bloody heart.

The 'lion' snarled in anticipation as the jackal put the heart on the scale opposite the feather. The heart clanged down lifting the feather into the air. The woman sighed sadly as the monster sauntered over to the soul and devoured it with a few horrible bites.

"Every damn time. Ultimately, that's what being trendy gets you." Kojak said as drove on.

They came upon a vast ocean and Walter could see naught but waves.

"You wouldn't believe how many cultures view the afterlife as an underwater situation. We could go check it out but I gotta show you one last thing before I take you to the office and get you set up."

Kojak sped up and they left the Avenue behind. The landscape changed to a bleak, colorless realm.

A large gate came into view. Along the top the word "Scientology" gleamed in gold.

"We don't say much about these guys Walt. There's a strict gag order. When you get one, just bring 'em here and drop 'em off. They go and jump right back in and probably won't see or say anything in between."

"Why the gag order?"

Kojak looked around, worried.

"Look, trust me on this one. Don't talk about it. If you think lawyers were bad down there…" Kojak's voice trailed off as he picked up speed.

Ahead of them was a massive stadium whose curvature could barely be seen as its walls stretched to either side as far as Walt could see.

"Ok, Walt. That's it for your pre-tour. We gotta go get you set up with your own 'whiz-bang' and get you proper training. I hope we get to see each other again even though we'll probably look entirely different. Up ahead is what I like to call 'The Majors'. You got your Islam, Judaism, Christian and Hindu. All the major players. You'll probably start in the minors and work your way up."

"That sounds a bit like baseball."

Kojak looked at Walter with a smile.

"Of course, it does Walt."


End file.
